This is not the kind of holiday that I want. Just one day, just one day I wish that my whole family can come together and then have a blast. I know that my parents are busy working for our family but is it really that hard to take a day off for the family? Today is a public holiday, Labour's Day. Today should be a day that my dad should have a holiday. But no, he went to work. My mum, today she was at home for like half day? Then she went work again. My brother? He is now and then losing his temper on me and my sister. What wrong did I do? My sister, she is starting to not listen to me. Yeah. I guess I'm the most useless in my house. How funny that I'm the oldest child and was being set aside like a maid, outcast, useless, trash. How funny. I'm so tired. Biased? My grandparents are always favoring towards my other siblings. "Did you eat?" my grandpa asked my brother for the umpteen. My brother keep saying no. "Do you want to eat instant noodles? I'll cook for you." my grandpa asked my brother again for the most umpteen time. My brother rejected again. "Did you eat yet?" my grandpa asked me. I was happy for a moment. I said no. And he never came back to ask me again. How stupid am I to bring my hopes up and then crush them down by my own idiotness. All I wanted is for my family to pay more attention to what I do, what I say, what I act. Comfort me when I'm sad, laugh with me when I'm happy, praise me when I do something proud. But it all seem so far. When I do something, it's always nothing. When my siblings do just a little bit, they will be praised very well. When I do something wrong, I will be scolded very badly and they will keep making me feel very bad, when my siblings do something wrong, they will scolded a little and let go. When I voice out my opinions, it will always be ignored. Nothing I do is significant. Nothing. When it's not my fault, it will some how become my fault. I help my family to get out of situation, but in the end, I got scolded. Why? Because i saved them from my cousin, I scolded him. Yeah. I'm wrong again. If its not for me, they would still be stuck in the situation. No one dare to step up, so I became the bad guy and step up. Yeah, I settled the problem but end up what? I got scolded. They said I was too harsh. I was too fierce. I was too daring. I should act as a girl, not like a hooligan who go around bullying people. If only I knew that this would happen, I wouldnt have done it. Why be the bad guy when you can actually live in peace and not care about what they do? Because I don't want to see my family being bullied. But I guess in the end it's still my fault. Everyone say that after a lot of heartache, you will feel numb, but why after so much heartache I felt, I still can feel the pain? It hurt so much that I always will end up crying, it's so painful. Every thought will make me cry. Even now, I'm still crying. I always act strong and act as if nothing is wrong, always the happy-go-lucky girl they see me as. But they don't know the real me, who I really am. I don't like to act but if I don't, then everyone will start to think I'm an weirdo, a person that is a attention-seeker, a useless person. My parent may think that their daughter is a very strong person, she can handle everything by herself, and so they never really help me, but sometimes, who don't want to be the baby that everyone's attention is at? I want them to know what I'm doing, praise me, comfort me. When I'm younger, I wish that I can faster grow up, but now, I regretted that I wish for that, everything is so different from what I think when I'm younger, the world is so cruel, evil, cold, scary. When I'm scared, I have no one to be there with me. I'm all alone. So alone that I can actually feel like dying. Everytime when I'm left out, I can hear my own heart shattering into million pieces. My heart had shattered for don't know how many times, sometime, I even wish that we have no heart, so we can't feel pain, so that we can't feel love, because love is always the one that make us feel pain. Trust? I never gonna trust anyone easily anymore, I had enough of being cheated, friends, family. Slowly, one by one, they are lying to me, betraying me. Everytime when it happen, it's always killing my slowly, like they are using a knife, slowly cutting my heart, it hurts so much. I want to forget about all this. All I ever wanted was a family that can love me, a friend that knows me. I'm not asking for too much, am I? Really, stop this before I go crazy.

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